Beautifully Imperfect.

On more than a few occasions, I've received or purchased something that has just one small imperfection in it. The rest of the object is perfectly new, yet that one scratch, tear, distortion, or anything else remains imperfect. I used to always hate when this happened. I'd always want the whole thing to be perfect. I bought it with my own money, I sacrificed to get this product that now has an imperfection. I remember even once returning a doll I bought because her arm was disfigured. If it had even one thing wrong with it, I didn't want it.

I think I (and I know I'm not the only one who's done this) have transferred this thought over to the way I believe God feels about me. That if I have even one imperfection, I'll be "returned", rejected, unwanted. So I have strived to make sure that I "look good" to God, because, after all, He paid for me. He sacrificed His whole life, why would He do that to receive something imperfect?

Today, when I receive or buy something and then later learn that is has an imperfection, I feel happy. The imperfection marks it as mine, because it has, indeed, separated this thing from all the others just like it. No one else's object has this very specific imperfection in theirs, it's uniquely mine. I've found so much beauty in these random imperfections. I enjoy seeing them now. I see the imperfection and consider my purchase a good buy. I've bought something unique, something different, something that, by its imperfections, I can call my own. The sacrifice was worth it.

Yet.. when I first open the package to admire my newest purchase, and then find that it has an imperfection, a very small piece of me still wishes it wasn't there. A part of me is hurt by the fact that this thing that is now mine is not "perfect". I think we think the same things about ourselves. No matter how "beautifully imperfect" we are, deep down we still yearn for perfection.

When I meditate on what Jesus did on the cross, I see that He, fully knowing our imperfections, very intentionally paid the price of His life for us. He bought us with His very own blood. He sacrificed His life. And for what, exactly? A group of perfect people who had it all together? Nope.. but for an imperfect world with broken hearts, dirty hands, and screwed up lives. That's what makes what Jesus did so incredibly beautiful. While we were still sinners, Jesus died for us (Romans 5.8). This is the beauty of the gospel. And when Jesus looks down on all these people He's died for, He sees a good buy, He sees the sacrifice as worth it. He sees our imperfections and sees beauty, because He knows the life He is offering us. The life that makes us whole again. He sees the potential for a new creation.

See, Christ doesn't look our imperfections and then throw us away or "return" us to where He found us. He sees what's wrong, broken, and not good in us and gives us His life so we can be a new creation. All we have to do is accept His life. 2 Corinthians 5.17 says that if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old is gone, and the new is here.

Our imperfections have uniquely separated us from everyone else. These are the areas in each of us where we are weak. These are the parts of us we want no one to ever see. But Jesus sees our imperfections as the things that mark us as His, because in our weakness, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12.9-10). He sees our imperfections and says, "I can make you new." He sees the imperfections as an opportunity to create something beautiful. 

Yet many of us don't accept what Jesus has done and what He wants to do in our lives. Many of us see our imperfections and choose to live in them, rather than in Jesus. When Jesus sees our imperfections, it hurts Him, because He died so that He can make us new; make us whole. When we don't let Him do this we break His heart. We don't want to get better, we don't want to be made new.

When we're broken, when we're weak, when we're down, "imperfect", struggling, or whatever - even if we're facing nothing - run to Jesus. He can make us new, and make us whole again. He wants to make us new. He is our healer and restorer, no one else can do this, not even ourselves. Let's stop pretending we have it all together and start believing that Jesus does. He is perfection. And even in our imperfections, He wants us. He wants to make us new and whole again, and He's the only one who can do it.

We aren't perfect, but we are loved.

--Peace and Love.

He Has Regarded Our Helpless Estate

Even when the circumstances we face in life can feel so bleak, there is so much hope to hold onto, even in the little things.

This life we've been given is so incredibly beautiful.. it really is. I am so baffled when I sit and reflect on life's beauty. We face so much as people, we feel and experience  enormous amounts of incredible pain. We often feel the bitter, cold sting of loneliness as yet another relationship falls apart. We break into pieces at the realization of another lost dream. We're bent over by expectations placed on us by others, and by ourselves, that will never be met - yet, still we kill ourselves trying. Our warm beds do little to offer our empty, broken souls comfort while we fall asleep on pillows soaked with bitter tears. We chase after everything - relationships, appearance, success - just to fill this terrible void, this hole in the heart of us that reminds us daily that we are not whole. Our souls long for rest, for peace, for joy.. yet in all our meaningless searching we've only found more pain. We become so hopeless, so convinced that the only thing this life has to offer will eventually hurt us, and leave us even more broken than before. We settle for "good enough" because we no longer believe in "the best". Our souls are crying, and we refuse to be comforted because we don't believe that love comes freely. We have placed a price tag on everything - even on ourselves - and we spend each day trying to convince ourselves and each other that we are worth something. We bargain and bid, and when it feels as though time is running out, we sell ourselves for whoever the highest bidder is. We don't believe in unconditional love, because the only love we've seen always has conditions. We've been burned, we've been bruised, we've been broken, abused and used - all by those who claimed to love us. We no longer believe that there can be something else. We can no longer see that there is someone else.

We all have two things in common: We are all broken and our souls long to be whole, and we all have someone who gave us everything, who gives us everything, who has loved us with everything.

We were not meant to live this life of brokenness. We were never created to walk with our heads down. Our hearts were not intricately designed to be dragged on the ground in chains. We were never meant to be slaves.

We were made to be free. To live, to really live.. We were made to shine. We were created to live in intimacy with our Maker and each other. Our hearts were created for love - real, hardcore and unconditional love. Without such love we are never satisfied. We're here to simply be loved.. to be lavished in love, to be changed by love, to be made new in love, to live in love. We were meant to love - God and each other. This is our purpose - this is what we were meant for. This is what we were designed for. This is why we're alive. But we're so broken that we no longer believe we deserve this. We don't believe we are worth this kind of love.

But it is here. This love is being offered, and its only expectation and hope is to be accepted whole heartedly. Love is calling us. It sees our broken and helpless estate and cries, "Come here, come away with Me and be whole, and live free."

So will we, with our dirty hands take the graceful hand of Love Himself, Jesus Christ, and let Him lead us into a new and beautiful life with Him? Will we, knowing our brokenness, let Him carry us, heal us, and let Him teach us how to dance with Him? Will we let His Spirit replace our broken souls so we can finally live as whole beings in His freedom? Will we give Him our broken lives and let Him live His life, His way, through us? Will we let Him finally love us, and will we love Him back?

He is offering us a life of hope. A life where we can dream again. A life of beauty. A life of overflowing joy. A life of purpose. Will we accept this new life?

--Peace and Love.

LIVING LIFE

Looking over my life, I can't remember one instance where I truly believed that how I felt or what I thought was worth anything. Along with that, I can't remember a time in my life where I believed that I was worth anything. I don't ever remember feeling like I was valued or worth something.

That is sad.
But as people manipulated me, used me, hurt me, and left me, these thoughts and beliefs of thinking that I'm useless, I'm worthless, I'm a failure began to make sense to me in my mind. I started to believe these lies, I still believe these lies.

And so my whole life became a a vicious cycle of me trying to please people, trying to live up to the expectations of others, and trying to at least look like I have worth. Put on a front that I am valuable, even though inside I have never completely believed that. This brought nothing but bad relationships into my life that left me feeling all the more hurt and valueless. It brought expectations that I placed on myself that I could never even try to live up to. So I not only felt worthless, but I felt like a failure. I still feel worthless. I still feel like a failure.

But then something started happening - God stepped in, and He started showing me how He feels about me, and what He thinks about me.

I am undone when I think about all He's shown me that He believes about me..
He's opening my eyes to show me how I am loved, I do have value. I have incredible value. I do have worth. I'm not just worth something, to God, I'm worth everything.

How can I explain this?

God looks at me and He doesn't see a failure?
He sees me as something valuable?
He thinks I'm worth Him giving everything?
I can't make sense of that - my mind cannot comprehend it.
But my heart.. my heart is undone - it is beautifully broken at the thought of my God, my Father, my Lover, my King, my Friend, my Everything looking at me and seeing a treasure. Seeing His daughter, who He created so specifically for a specific purpose, and being pleased with her. Looking at me - nothing but a broken and shameful sinner - yet seeing my heart, and knowing that I have always been and will forever be His little girl. There's nothing I have done or will do that will change the fact that I am His.


I have value.
I have so much worth.
I am not a failure.

I'm a treasure.
I am loved.
I am a beautiful daughter of the Most High.
I'm a princess of the King.
I'm a warrior for my Lord.
I'm His little girl.
I'm His beloved.
I'm His..

And now I'm free to live this life He's created for me. Live out His purpose for my life. Live out His love for me and my love for Him.

There is no better life than this.

--Peace and Love.

In Love.

I don't think I've ever been so broken yet so in love..

If someone had a second to ask how I'm really doing, this is how I'd respond,
I'm heartbroken. But, I'm also so, so in love with my God.
I feel like at any moment I could completely fall apart.
Yet, I know every broken piece of me would be caught.
I feel as though my heart is being torn apart.
Yet, I feel it also being healed.
I feel the overwhelming temptation to give up, to quit.
But along side it is my passion, desire and commitment to keep going.
And I will keep going, no matter how much it hurts.
And it does hurt.
This hurts like hell.
Its killing me.
But every time I die I am restored, renewed, recreated, and given new life.
Every time I die, I come back to life, and understand a new depth of Love.
And that's what all this is about, that's why I hold on, that's why I push forward - it's because I'm loved. I am beloved. I am in love.
I am living in Love, itself.

--Peace and Love.

I Surrender.

HAHAHAHAHA! ...

I'M DONE!

I surrender, you've won.

Because I will no longer participate

in your endless cycle of straight up just hate.

This isn't no game, to me

someday you'll wake up and finally see

but even then

you still won't believe.

You can say that I'm bitter, say I condemn

but you are the one who - with a kiss - betrays his friends.

You can tell me I'm brainwashed, call me a fake

but I mean, lets be real here - who's even awake?

Love is only love.. when it follows your conditions?

Well thanks but no thanks, see I've got this other mission.

The calling is clear, the sacrifice great

but I would rather die

everyday

than accept that your love is the only way.

"Follow your needs, wants, feelings and pleasures."

I'm sorry, I can't, cuz with Him I've found true treasure

see..

you try to convince me that you've got the better life, well..

I've got news for you, friend,

a life of guilt, shame and brokenness sounds like a life straight from hell.

Since when was your way the best that there is?

I've got a God who loves me, and my life is His.

You make taking up your cross sound like some kinda hoax

but my Jesus did that, this isn't some joke

and as He hung up there, dying for me

His blood whispered, "Come, die, and you will be free."

But that's too hard!

You say it's too tough to swallow

but He doesn't want our love, you see, if its shallow.

He gives us EVERYTHING!

Haha.. are you still awake?

And all that He asks is that we do the same.

So come on friends, lets give ourselves away

and fall in love with this God
for real
today.

--Peace and Love.

Look Deep Inside Your Heart For Some Change

We're hungry.

No, we're starving

and everyday we die from lack of something to eat

and everyday we cry for our cold hearts to be warmed,

but we're asleep.

We stand there

bundled up in our hand-me-down wear

hoping someone will have the decency to care

that we too have been broken, and correction,

we too have fallen short of perfection.

But with haughty eyes so glazed that they glare

apathetic themselves, they've got nothing to spare.

"They'll spend it on booze, use it for drugs.

Why should we help? They're societies thugs!"

So with our tail between our legs, we slowly crawl away

nobody accepts us, so why should we change?

We accept our fate

we're homeless. We're orphans. We're fakes.

But I'm sorry

did Jesus really die so we could live this way?

carrying the cross, drying in shame

He hung up there

bleeding out His invitation to something better

resurrecting in three days to give His promises power

yet even in this truth our hearts have turned sour.

We get angry at Him

asking, "Why don't You feed us??

I thought we were Your children!"

but in reality

He spoils us rotten.

Church..

When will we wake up and see this issue

that we've sold our souls for a cold bowl of soup?

America don't care cuz they see nothing different

just bums in the street trapped by their own ignorance.

Church..

When did we become so indignant?

Lets get down on our knees

and I mean really pray

its time to repent, bride, its finally time to change.

We are His children, we receive the inheritance

it's about time we start living in this confidence.

We are His bride, He's given us His love

it's time to stop running, cuz He is enough.

So lets stop begging for something to eat

when He told us His flesh is all that we need

see my friends,

The King of the universe invites us to dine

His body's our bread, His blood is our wine.

--Peace and Love.

Beloved

How can I express these things that I'm feeling?

I need a new entire alphabet to voice these thoughts I'm concealing.

But words don't explain this truth that I've found

I've been bound

up by darkness, lies and deceit

when all along, there's been a God who loves me?

Loves

me?

Now I'm not talking about this kiss

that stole my heart and innocence 

the sweetness in his lips

left me hungry, thirsty, desperate for more, see

this lust-filled love left a hole in me

as I sat there, crying out to a God I no longer believed

in, trying to let reality sink

in. Either something was stolen or I gave it away

but that kiss I thought said "I love you" was actually sent to take

me. Take me to a place where darkness was my friend,

my life became a lie, I was too broken to mend. 

A child never forgets

the tragedies his early life begets

when life becomes more than imagination

when games and toys are used for the emancipation

of the mind, from the heart, from the soul

see, how lust leads us to a black hole

of mindless searching, desperate longing for

something, someone, to offer us more.

Well let me tell you here and now

this amazing truth has somehow been left out

of religious churches of political beliefs

by people who are trapped in their made up philosophies

that there is a God who knows what I've done

where I have been and who I've become

but He doesn't look down like that disappointed father

He doesn't reject like that heartbroken mother does her daughter.

No,

this God is about more than

this superficial, conditional love, and

He wants to love me.

He wants

me.

After years of trying to get me to see

that all my life He's been chasing after me.

He says I'm His, I barely even know Him

my eyes have been blinded by all of this sin I don't wanna show Him.

But His love is too strong 

too powerful to keep out

I beg, take everything that You're not about 

away. I don't want it

anymore, today I submit

to You, the real Lover, the real Friend

the One who stepped in and made everything different

who showed that love is more than all I've known

that love is life itself

He died so this would be shown.

See, all my life I've been lied to

I thought the purpose of love was to simply be used

but God came in and showed me

that He has a love and life to offer me

that's real.

--Peace and Love.

Come Away With Me

I step into Your glory

into Your holy presence,

and all I have to offer is this heart.

My soul is overwhelmed by Your holiness

I'm struck to the ground in fear of You.

I bend my knees and bow before Your majesty.

But then I look up

I see my Lover running to me, and

my heart is thirsty. My soul yearning to touch my God.

My heart is trembling, my body stumbles

as I chase after my Lord.

He's running to me with His arms wide open

I stretch out my hand

I struggle to control this overwhelming love

burning inside of me.

I fall at His feet

and weep

in my unworthiness and gratitude

but my Lover wants to dance

He picks me up

He holds on tightly

He leads in this Song of all Songs.

I, am, forever

my Beloved's

and He is forever

mine.

--Peace and Love.

This Rich, Abundant Life.

There are so many dreams to pursue, why get caught up in just one?

"Get married" was the number one response received when I asked people what their dreams are. Getting married is a beautiful dream to have, but there are so many extraordinary ones as well!

One of my favorite verses is John 10.10. Jesus says that He came to give us life and give it to us in abundance. He wants this for all of us. It doesn't matter if you're rich, poor, healthy, sickly, if you have a spouse, if you're single, if you have a ton of friends or if you're all alone.. Jesus wants to give you life exactly where you are.

This life He has is beautiful.

I don't think I started to understand who Jesus is until I finally let Him start changing me. My dreams were basic - get married, have kids, live happily ever after. But after Jesus started showing me this life He's given me, my dreams shot up like skyrockets.

He gives us this rich life to eat, drink and breathe in. The thickness of all the opportunities we have daily surrounds us. The beauty of it all is overwhelming. With God as our God, there is nothing to fear. With no fear we can just run and embrace every inch this abundant life has to offer. There is nothing holding us back anymore! God's life is a life of freedom, no chains hold us down. We've surrendered to God and He's set us free and given us life. Real life.

God is love, and this is our purpose: To love God, to love people, and to love this life God's given us.

It's beautiful.

This life is found in the most painful, heartbreaking moments as well as the incredibly amazing ones. It's found in the story of each person we come across - how they have their own hurts and fears and dreams and excitements. It's found in hardcore love that makes forgiving your enemies possible. Love that extends grace and mercy to those we feel don't deserve it. Love that knows justice and truth and stands up for them. Love that shows compassion. Love that knows when to let go.

God is huge. You could spend your whole life discovering who He is and still not reach the heart of Him. This is what makes life so enthralling. This God gave us life, and wants us to live it in abundance.

--Peace and Love.

You Are Beautiful.

I fall on my knees, overwhelmed, I'm drowning in this love. The joy flows through my soul; my heart pumping hope through my veins. A smile is all I can do to contain this fire. My entire being is shaking, my heart burning, I fall on my face and surrender my all.

I'm broken apart
tenderly, each piece of me is stripped away.

Then, in one act of grace, waters of restoration rush through me. I'm caught in the current. I've lost control, but I no longer have any desire to regain it. I've let go. Now the waters carry me to an unknown place. It looks beautiful. My exhilaration turns to fear. My fear, to dread as I realize my unworthiness. I look down, I see my ugliness. I'm filthy. I'm dirty. I'm gross. In an act of desperation, I try to clean myself with the waters around me, but the water turns to mud as it rubs against my skin. "Don't take me like this!" I scream, but it's no use. The pull of the waters entangle me, there's no turning back, the current is too strong.

Then, I see Him. The Lover of all Love. The Healer; The King. I'm trembling, I look away. I try to fight the current. I grasp on to anything that will help me push on upstream. A wave comes, and I'm swept away. I try to cover myself as the waters push me closer and closer to Him.

Maybe if I hide myself, He won't notice me. Maybe He'll see my resistance and give up on me. Fear overwhelms me as I think of the possibility of Him leaving. Despite my struggles and stubbornness, my heart whispers, "please don't go."

Suddenly, He reaches out His hand. In one swift motion, I'm caught up and held in His embrace, His presence warming my shivering body.

"Your Mine" He says to me, "and now today, I Am yours. Come away with Me."

My doubts fall like broken chains. My fears stripped away.
I take His hand, and we go.

--Peace and Love.

A Song For An Old Friend

I'm just gonna say it, I see right through that smile
you're not fooling anyone
cause I've kept it quiet for far too long
I won't sit and watch you die
you're not fooling anyone.

It kills me to see this,
when i've known you my whole life and now
you look as if, you've already died
there's no cure for this disease, it's all up to you
is life worth living? Are we worth loving?

I'm just gonna say it, I see right through that smile
you're not fooling anyone

We're torn apart, watching you throw yourself away
as if your life is worth nothing at all
as if you cant see it happening. you're so addicted
it consumes you, and it's killing you

I'm just gonna say it, I see right through that smile
you're not fooling anyone
cause I've kept it quiet for far too long
I won't sit and watch you die
you're not fooling anyone.

You're not fooling anyone, except yourself
It's not too late, but it's up to you

Don't expect me to say goodbye.

Now is the time you decide if your life is worth living
is this is how you want it to end? you're not fooling anyone,
except yourself

Don't expect me to say goodbye
I won't say goodbye


You're Just Somebody I Used To Know by Greeley Estates




Says it all.

Deeper Still

God is showing me more and more of what it takes to go deeper into His heart. It means letting go of a piece of myself that I've helplessly tried to cling onto since the first time I was truly, painfully rejected. It's the piece of me that I tied so closely to my dignity, pride, and even my sense of self. It's the piece that builds walls around my heart so that it never feels pain. It's the piece that gives me a sense of security and control.

It's all I have left.. and God is leading me to a place where I'll let it go and give it up to Him for good.

It will hurt, but my desire to go deeper is stronger than my fear of complete abandonment of myself. I want to go.

I'm running towards God's heart with everything I am, and anything in me that tries to stop that will have to be let go of.. and left behind.

"Daisy, let it go.."

I don't know what it will look like, although I have a few guesses. I know it will be unlike anything else I've ever seen. That it will shake and rock me at my very core. I know it will be terrifying. I know it will be beautiful.

Hold tightly onto me, Daddy, I could never do this without You.




Take me to that place..

--Peace and Love.

Freedom Through His Grace

I've been wrestling with God a lot about the freedom and grace He's offered us. My mind is struggling to comprehend this kind of love. Honestly, I will most likely never understand.

My dad's been studying Romans 8 and has been sharing his learnings with me. The entire chapter seems to shout aloud the freedom we have through God's beautiful gift: grace. Without it, we are doomed to a life of striving to earn God and His holy resting place. Without it, our sin separates us from our Daddy. Without grace, we're condemned to eternal separation from Him.

But with it.. with God's grace, is amazing beauty. I truly believe that as a church, we do not even remotely understand this concept. Those who (like myself) grew up in church probably have less of a capability of getting it. We have fallen into the same mindset as Israel – we're dying to be free but we keep longing to return to Egypt and accept slavery as all this life has to offer.

..Because, who are we to accept this awesome gift God has given freely, with no expectation of receiving anything in return? We don't think we deserve it, so we sell ourselves to slavery because that's where we feel we belong.

But God says, “Fear not, for I have summoned you by name; you are Mine” (Is. 43.1).

God has called us to receive this free and beautiful gift He's offering.. and all He asks is for us to simply accept it. Once we accept, He glorifies and justifies us in His kingdom. Once we accept, we are His for eternity. Because who or what can stand against God and try to separate us from Him? Paul, in Romans 8, says that neither death, life, angels, demons, present, future, any powers, height, depth, or anything else in all creation will ever be able to separate us from God's love! The only reason being because Christ died for and conquered all of our sins, faults, failures and mistakes! He has already won! There's nothing else we can offer or do.. it's already been done for us.

We sing, “Hallelujah, You have won the victory. Hallelujah, You have won it all for me.” We shout, “You have won the victory, we're living in Your freedom!” ..but man, we just do not understand these words, or what Christ really did for us.

I don't understand it.. but that's okay.

We are gonna screw up. We're gonna make mistakes. We're going to do things that go against God's very being. Because, like Paul said, our flesh and spirits will always be at war with each other. Our flesh wants to defy God and follow its own pleasure and desires, but our spirits long to pursue Him.

And God says, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam. 16.7).

God is far more concerned with the condition of our hearts than he is with how many people we change or outreaches we go to or church functions we attend or how many times we read the bible and pray. He's always only looked at the heart.

And when we mess up, we will be punished. We're always going to have to live with the consequences of our actions. God punishes us just like a daddy would his kid.. He loves us and wants the absolute best for us.

Rob Bell says in one of his videos that there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.. Well I want to add onto that and say that there is nothing we can to to make God love us more; there's nothing we can do to earn Him.

He's already done it all.

So why are we even here? Solomon concludes that the ultimate purpose of our lives is to fear and glorify God. He also states that there is nothing better to do than to enjoy life and do good while we're alive. Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind. That's why we're alive, we're here to accept and live in God's divine love.

This is all Jesus is asking of us! God just wants us to accept His free gift of grace, receive His Holy Spirit and live through us all our lives! Our whole life will be an act of worship simply because we've allowed the Holy Spirit to breathe into us and move us.

This is how we can really “live life to the fullest” (Jn. 10.10). Whether we believe it or not, we are loved, and we are free.

--Peace and Love.

"You Still Hurt Me."

I've been screwed by people over and over again. I've been lied to. I've been rejected. I've been a doormat, a rag to simply be used and then thrown away. I've let people drag me down, I've let them take me to some pretty dark places. I've let people mess with me, I have. I knew I was their little rag doll, and still I let them toss me wherever they wished. I've been deeply hurt by others, and I've let them do it.

But you know what's beautiful about it all? It's that everybody hurts everyone at some point in their lives. Everyone knows how it feels to be screwed with, to be used and rejected. Everyone knows the feeling of being deeply hurt by someone they loved with everything they are. We all have this in common.

What's beautiful is that Jesus even felt and feels these same things, yet He still gave and still gives everything He is. Because Jesus endured all these and still loves us with a deep, unfathomable and unconditional love,  He made it possible for all of us to do the same. That's what is so beautiful. Because now we have a choice.. after being screwed with and hurt by others, we can either push on and show His crazy, hardcore, radical love, or we can become bitter and hateful of people altogether. Because honestly, people will always hurt you, even (and sometimes, unfortunately, especially) by those who claim to follow Jesus. Some people just won't change when it comes to that.. but I can.

"Just as I'm called, I will show love, no pain no words will ever stop my heart! There is a war, for those I love, I will be strong..."

For me, it kinda feels like a challenge.. will I love in the face of pain, or even evil? Will I really love my enemies? Those who purposely hurt me and others? This is where God's real and hardcore love is found. And I guess the answer is, I can't do it unless God's doing it through me. That's why I need Him.. that's why we all do.

--Peace and Love.

Shika Baba

Your calling is huge. Your heart, enormous.
Your desire for us is real. Your love, hardcore.

The choice is mine - surrender my very being and let You have Your way, follow You into the dark and bring the Light of Love.

It's hard, it's exhilarating. It asks me to give up my very life, every single day, and live for You with my whole heart. It requires commitment, passion, hope and joy. The hardcore and real love of God pouring through me and out onto the world.

But You said Your yoke is easy, and Your burden light.
You have given me freedom through Your grace, I'm free.

To walk away would only promise emptiness, and a deep yearning and hunger.
To take up my cross is terrifying, but there would be nothing better.

There is nothing better. You are the best there is.
I want it.
I want You.

You said, "It's not about being hardcore on the outside, it's about having a hardcore heart."
Give me that heart.

I am unworthy. I'm not qualified. Yet, Your calling stands,
"Go get my kids and bring them Home."
"Be a confident and bold light in the darkness."
"Listen to the broken hearts."
"Touch people."
"Follow Me."

There is no uncertainty, no confusion. You have called me to bring Life to the dead. To love the unloveable. Touch the untouchable. You've called me to live like You did, to remain in You and Your love.

Lets go. Come on, lets do this.

I will hold onto You, Father.
Lets go, come on.

Take me away with You. You lead and I will follow.
I am Your servant, You are my God, my wonderful King of Love.

Lets go, come on!

--Peace and Love.

A REAL and HARDCORE God

I had a dream the other night that youth group was taking place in my backyard. I was seen as one of the leaders but I wasn't, there was no youth leader. I didn't recognize any of the kids, they were skaters who smoked and cussed all the time. I was putting on an apathetic attitude just to fit in. I never talked, never sang, I didn't do anything. One of the girls was going around asking people to lead worship, when she asked me I was like, heck no. Then a few of the kids she asked got up and started leading worship. I started looking at all the kids - some were singing, others were just sitting there, some were smoking. I remember thinking, "God is not real to these kids, they have never experienced Him in a real way." After I thought this, I felt this huge responsibility on my heart, like I was there to show them this real and hardcore God..

I can't stop thinking about this dream, and every time I think about it I get excited.

How real is this God to us?
After this dream, my prayer has been that God makes Himself and this love real to me in a hardcore way. When I read the gospels, and see how Jesus lived in His short life here on earth, I see nothing but a harcore love in a raw man. As I'm reading Acts, seeing how the disciples were literally transformed by this Jesus, I compare my own love to theirs. Those men knew beyond any doubt that this God was very real and their love for Him and the world was very hardcore. They let nothing stop them from boldy proclaiming this very real God to the world in a powerful way. No matter what hardships they faced, they pushed on, knowing that this Jesus proved to them that it was worth it. That there is nothing better than this love.

I want that confidence. I want that joy. I want that hope and peace.
I want that hardcore love.

Confidence is more than being right all the time, and having all the right answers. Cuz we won't.
Joy is more than having a smile on your face. It's deeper than that, it's a heart thing.

God's hardcore love is what changed and continues to change the world.

--Peace and Love.

Living Life to the Fullest

I had an amazing, humbling opportunity to share my testimony at church last Saturday.

...I am not a public speaker. I love teaching at youth group because it's a small and intimate setting - less intimidating. Still, I agreed to do it. The week prior, I was feeling very incapable and unworthy to share my heart with others. My insecurities rose as thoughts of my young age, my position and my weaknesses showed up. The Wednesday before, at bible study, an incredibly encouraging woman of the church said she had something to share, and that it was for me. She was reading through the lesson for children's church and told me about one of the activities in it. The lesson said to take a plastic bag, put a book on top of it and then blow through a straw into the bag to try and lift the book up. When she read this, she said God showed her that this was me. I am the plastic bag - I am seen as weak, even by myself, but God has made me powerful in His kingdom.

This is the second time I've been told that I will be powerful in God's kingdom, and it just makes me wonder - why me? If anything I am the least qualified for the job. However, God has shown me over the years that He places us (and I believe, quite purposefully) in situations where we are incredibly weak. I believe He does this because He wants us to depend solely on Him alone. God has done this numerous times in my life and I've seen Him do it in others' lives as well. When placed in a humbling situation like this, we have two options: Rely on God fully and move forward in boldness and faith, or runaway with doubts of whether we could ever do something like that.

The thoughts that go through my head when I'm shown one of these situations (like speaking) are that of running away. But when I think back on all my other moments of weakness, I see that God - even if it's at the very last moment - always shows up. So with humility I step forward, holding onto nothing but my Daddy's hand. With a nerve-racking exhilaration, I walk into what God calls me to, unsure yet excited to see what lies ahead.

God has very clearly shown me that the place I belong is on my knees. I constantly pray for humility - and God has always been quick to answer those prayers. I very strongly believe that none of this life can be lived if I think I can do it on my own. I know that I need Him.


After I spoke my dad said something really cool. He was reflecting on how much I've been through. I told him that yes, I've been through a lot, but compared to others, I really haven't. He said that what I have been through, though, I've taken complete advantage of. I've lived every moment to the full, whether it's good or bad, exciting or hurtful. I take every experience and live it, and learn as much as I possibly can from it.

That got me thinking about that quote, "Live life to the fullest" and how the people who believe in this quote are usually the ones living the happy part of life to the fullest. This isn't necessarily bad, but I believe in living every moment to the fullest - even the hard ones. You can learn a lot from the most painful experiences in life. That's why most of the time, those questions like, "Why does a good God let terrible things happen?" or "Why do bad things happen to good people?" cannot really be answered. All we can do is trust that our God is good and that there is so much more going on than what we can see.

Take advantage of those rough times that do come. Learn from them, you'll learn a lot more about yourself.

This, I believe, is truly "living life to the fullest."

--Peace and Love.

New Adventures

I seriously love life. So many painful things and hurtful people try to get us down, yet it is still lovely.

I've lost a lot of people in my life. The reasons usually involve that other person and I wanting to go different ways with our lives. It hurts when someone wants to live a completely different lifestyle. It kills to watch them walk away. You know what though? It's gonna keep happening. All we can do is love each person in our life and they decide what they want to do with theirs.

I have to be honest - I could really care less if I have another friend. I have one pretty close friend and I have people in my life who I can talk to and hang out with and all that stuff, but I don't have that intimate relationship with another person. The kind of relationship where both know everything about the other. The reason why I could care less is because friends leave when they feel it's time to. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it just happens. Eventually you come to this point in your journey where there's a fork in the road - you want to go one way and your friend wants to go the other. I mean it's just a part of life.

I could be wrong about this whole friends thing. Especially since the people I've told say that they value friendships. I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. Yet still, the desire to open myself up to someone who will most likely walk away is just not there.

Who I do want is my husband. Not some boyfriend - but the man who will stay. The two of us will walk together on this journey, and when we come to forks in the road, we'll both go the same way - even if there are disagreements about it. On our wedding day we're pledging to walk on the same path, through thick and thin.

So I guess my prayer to God has been that I don't need any more friends, I just want my husband.

But in the meantime, I am enjoying the life I have.

I'm twenty. I'm single. I have a part-time job. I have so many opportunities ahead of me.

And I'm going to take advantage of each one.

Training to be an office counselor for Alternatives has been like stepping into a dream come true. I've been volunteering there for two years, and my desire during this time was to actually be in action - stepping into the darkness and bringing light to these women. Loving them extravagantly where they are. This is my passion. I'm learning how to be a light in the darkness. I'm learning how to listen to the brokenhearted. I will be noticing the unnoticed, giving a voice to the voiceless, a name to the nameless and a face to the faceless. This has been my heart's biggest desire, and watching God unfold it like a precious gift right before my eyes has been incredible. I've already learned so much and I still have much more to learn.

Then getting to be president of the Alternatives on campus. I know that I'm where I need to be, and it's such a freeing and simply great feeling. I'll only be going to school part-time, and one of my classes is online, but still, I know I'm going to be used wherever I am. I know I can love whether I'm sitting in class, sitting at a display table, or sitting in a coffee shop doing my homework. Love has no boundaries or barriers. If it does, we've placed them there and we aren't truly loving.

You know, and because there is no one to tie me down, I can travel. This has always been such a huge desire of mine. I love seeing the world. Going places I've never been, that is always exciting. So for either winter or spring break, I'm trying to plan a trip to Utah (I know, real exciting). I met some amazing people in a small town there and I would love to just go visit them for a bit. Next summer, my friend and I want to take a road trip to Napa Valley and then drive down to San Diego, just so we can see it. Just because we can.

Eventually I will go to Boston. Past eventually, I'll visit the places outside of the U.S. that I'd absolutely love to see.


This is life folks. It's meant to be lived fully.

And that is exactly what I plan on doing. And you know what? I feel like I am living it up.

I love this life.

--Peace and Love.

How I Feel

I wanna start it over
I wanna start again
I wanna new beginning
One without any end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me

It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful

I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me

It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away--Father
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
It's the love between you and I
Something beautiful

Something Beautiful by Newsboys

Ramblings

The last several updates have just been random moments I felt like sharing. Here's where I'm at right now. (:


One of my prayers has been that God will take me deeper into His heart. I want to learn more about what His love really is. I want to live inside of His heart.

Well, He's been answering this prayer in the most radical of ways.

The past six months have felt like years just because so much happened and I learned a lot. I've been learning about what it really means to love people with a hardcore and unexplainable love. I've learned that love can cover any wrongs and forgive with an unconditional forgiveness. I've seen love heal any anger or bitterness in my heart. Love goes beyond simply letting people do whatever they want - it sees real Life, and longs to give it. Love knows when to let go - this is one of the hardest things to learn. It doesn't do any good holding onto something or someone when you or they are being hurt because of it. Sometimes you have to let things go in order to pursue Life. Sometimes you need to let people go so that both you and they can live freely. Jesus came to give life, and to give it abundantly (John 10.10), love seeks to live this very life.

My favorite lessons have been that of learning God's beauty and joy. This life I have is beautiful. Because of God's love for me, I have no fear. He has given me the strength through His joy to walk confidently and boldly in His truth - and this is what I plan on doing. He has also taught me the beauty of His voice as He whispers to me in my quiet times. I love hearing what God has to say, and learning more about His character.

I think the hardest thing I had to learn is how to really trust God with no doubts. Watching people walk away from Him is the hardest thing I've ever seen.. but I know that He is bigger and His love and stronger than mine could ever be. I know that He doesn't let go of anyone, and He doesn't stop chasing us. He will not give up, even when we need to. He has taught me through times like these that He is still good, no matter what people decide to do. I can rest in Him knowing that He sees the bigger picture and He has a plan greater than I could ever imagine. All I need to do is let go and trust.

No one is more important to me than God. I can't live this life unless He's leading it. There's nothing else I want more.


I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and we were talking about how life is just good. This is how I feel right now - I'm just enjoying this life, and I'm really loving it! There's so many things that can get you down, but there's also a lot of beautiful, exciting and great things to focus on! These are the things I'm pursuing. I'm doing what I love, running towards my dreams and letting the chips fall where they may. Bad things happen and I still feel the hurt, but overall I'm just happy. I finally feel like I can breathe again. I finally feel like I can take it easy and chill in God's love and the life He's given me. I stay out of the drama and focus on standing strong in integrity and truth. This one is huge - because no one can hold anything against me if I'm consistent in how I live. I'm learning how to build others up instead of tearing them down. Life is simply rocking right now.


I'm totally excited for all the new things I'll be learning as this year carries on. So far it's been crazy - but good. I'm feeling hopeful for all the lessons and experiences in store. I'm ready to move on and finally live this life in love.

--Peace and Love.

1 Peter 3.2-5

"... when they see the purity and reverence of of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."

This passage is beautiful to me. It just makes me think about how I want to honor God with my life - show His beauty and worship Him with it.

--Peace and Love.

His Joy Is My Strength

Meeting eyes with my enemy

seeing the dark and hallow holes

filled with lies of

how they are unworthy of Love.

My eyes are open doors

allowing the pain of the lost

to sink into my breaking heart

every broken piece falls with my tears

from my eyes and down my face

the dirt underneath me becomes mud

as I cry for the ones I love.

Tell me, God,

if heaven rejoices when the lost are found,

does it also mourn when yet another is lost?

Looking into the eyes of my persecutor

I break

because even he is worthy of my God's love

and no one is ever too far gone for Him.

This is where my heart rests in hope

drowning in His never ending joy and love

I can stand, 

I can finally breathe.

--Peace and Love.

Turn the Page

I smell it.

My bones can feel it.

My eyes see it like the sunrise

peeking over the horizon

it's coming.

The wilderness does not last forever

and You are taking me somewhere beautiful.

My scarred and dirty feet will soon step into

the lush, green earth.

My soul will fly

and I will touch with my finger

Beauty itself.

I will know how it feels, to sing

with vibrating lungs

the tunes, melodies and rhythms

of our song.

I will experience with my soul

the flowing and effortless movements

of our dance...

You are leading me to this place

this beautiful new chapter of my life.

I am my Beloved's, and He is mine...

--Peace and Love.

From the Desert Into Beauty

The fragrance of cherry blossoms fill my lungs wile intertwined with the warm, springtime breeze. All I hear is the wind blowing past my ears and through the branches above. Flower buds are still waiting to burst to life, and the single, chirping bird sings in tune with the quiet, afternoon lull.
Silence. Listen to that.
Pure silence.
It sounds like clear, blue ocean water flowing gently over the shore.
It's so beautiful,
Father, I want to yearn. I want to burn with passion for You. You are my love, You're my desire. The spring is here, my Lover, so come and dance with me. Take my hand, You lead and I will follow. Teach me the rhythm of our song. Sing me the melody. Let You love speak loudly. Let Your whisper be close to me, I want to hear Your voice.
I want Your beauty to be inhaled by my lungs with the sweet fragrance of cherry blossoms. I want to be enveloped by Your love like this warm, springtime breeze. I want to see Your face, with its soft eyes and gentle smile - yet filled with boldness and glory. I want to hear Your voice singing to my soul, our song.

You are my Beloved, and I am Yours...


Sing to me, the song of our love. Teach me the tune, lead me in the dance. Dance with me to our song.

You are the artist, and Yours is the masterpiece that is my life.


Blameless; spotless, I will run with my feet bare. In purity, faithfulness and love, I will run into the arms of my Lover.

My heart yearns for You, and Your desire is for me.

--Peace and Love.

Wrote this on April 13th, 2011

I walked out of one of the buildings on campus after just getting information about my major when I was shocked by large posters of aborted babies. I literally stood there in disbelief and disgust as I stared at the horrific scene in front of me. The posters stretched to probably ten feet high while the "pro-lifer's" stood behind a fence to protect them from the crowd that quickly gathered.

I walked around the display - looking for whoever was in charge and for different reactions of my fellow students. I soon saw the Atheist Club with a table set up opposing the opposition. I recognized one of them from the debate on abortion I attended just a few weeks before. I stood just close enough for him to hear me say, "This is so messed up."

I couldn't control my emotions - the anger, frustration and pure heartbreak for what these people were doing. My whole body was shaking. I had to talk to someone. I found one of the pro-lifer's talking to two guys on the other side of the fence, so I walked up and stood there, pretending to listen to them. "So what do you think of all this?" he asked me, and after gathering a few breaths I asked him why this was necessary. One of the guys answered that yeah, it's an awful thing to see, but maybe people need to see it in order for anything to change. "Are you a Christian?" I asked the pro-lifer. He told me he believed in God but he wasn't sure about the whole Jesus thing. I told him that I am a Christian and I believe Jesus is God and that I believe in everything He taught. I then told him about one of my favorite passages, which he was familiar with, found in John chapter eight verses one through eleven. It's the one about the adulteress woman who the pharisees wanted to stone but then asked Jesus what they should do. Jesus told them that whoever is without sin to throw the first stone, and each person left. Jesus, even though He could've condemned the woman because He's God, told the woman that He did not condemn her and that she should go and sin no more.

I told the pro-lifer that I felt like what he and the others with him were doing was exactly what the pharisees did. I asked him how this will change anyone's heart on the subject. I told him that it would be like someone following me around all day shouting all the wrong things I've ever done to everyone. I asked him how this was good news. As far as I could see it - what these people were doing was pointing the finger at people instead of pointing the Way to Jesus Christ through love.

I couldn't help but cry as we talked. I was so heartbroken over the whole thing. At one point I looked over at a young lady who was standing by the Atheist's table. She was looking at me and, I believe, listening to our conversation. What hit me the hardest though, was that she was crying. I looked around at all the other young women walking by. I couldn't help but feel brokenness for each one. All I could think about was, "What if one of these women has had an abortion? How must she be feeling?" I wanted to go around giving a hug to everyone in hopes of mending some of the obvious anger, hurt and brokenness surrounding the display.


This experience is one that I will not forget.
Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons and daughters of God.
After walking away from the display, "peace" was all I was longing for.

I have to say - I am very pro-life. However, I think a large percentage of people who call themselves "pro-lifers" forget that pregnancy and related issues involve the woman, too. This is no black or white issue. But instead of telling everyone what they're doing or did wrong, why not show them solutions filled with hope, peace and love?

--Peace and Love.

Beautiful

I have a past.

It comes straight out of innocence and purity

childlike wonder and a love for life too big

for my mind.

My big heart made me stupid

so I threw my beautiful life away

in exchange for cheap love.

I held on to a hopeless dream

while it ate me away piece by piece

until any shred of innocence, any

hope of purity

was shattered. Dead. I died

holding on to a desperate plea

for love. It killed me.

But God wasn't done with me, and He

cares immensely about this huge heart of mine.

So He ran

God ran after me.

He chased me, pursued me

until I had no more energy left 

to runaway. He caught me

right in the middle of His love

but I fought it

for love died in me.

I fought so hard

beating and wrestling

trying to break free from His touch

but He never relented

so I gave in

defeated

I fell

on my face

before the feet of the King of Love

and He picked me up

like a child, He held me

and spoke tenderly of

His deep love for me, His daughter, His bride.

He restored my innocence

my purity renewed.

And God made me beautiful again

and gave me a wondrous future,

I have a past

that is just as broken and it is beautiful.

But I have a God

who makes a masterpiece of it all.

--Peace and Love.

Sermon on the Mount - Salt and Light

I remember the vision God showed me of a lamp post in the middle of complete darkness. It was standing tall, confidently with boldness, giving light to all the darkness around it. I asked God what this meant, and He started sharing with me about how He wants me to be like this lamp post.

Jesus said that by being His light we will show others our praise for Him by our good deeds. This means that we don't need to talk or preach all the time about our salvation or God's love. We can and should show it to people, as boldly as a lamp post in the midst of complete darkness does.

--Peace and Love.

Sermon on the Mount - The Beatitudes

God chooses to give the most to and bless those who are desperate for Him. These are the ones who hold the kingdom of God. These are the ones who see Him.

God wants the broken, the desperate, the hungry, the needy, the humble in His kingdom.

His kingdom - in all its glory and splendor - is found in the dirt, the mud, in all the lowest places on earth. It's found in the worst of all brothels. In the bush of Uganda. In the slums of the world. In the destruction after a disaster. In the desert, the wilderness, where there is no food or water. In the prisons of the persecuted martyrs. In the soil stained with innocent blood.

This is where His love and beauty shine.

It is there for anyone to take hold of, but to get there you have to lower yourself to these places. That's what Jesus did, all for love's sake.

--Peace and Love.