I've Grown Weary of Running..

I'm moving back home today. I am so excited, but also a little sad. I feel like I've learned so much, yet so little at the same time.

Ultimately what I've learned is that Jesus is God, and he means everything to me. I wanna be even closer to him..

Another thing I've learned is that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with myself. I just wanna go Home. Or, at least feel like I am Home. But it doesn't matter where I am, or who I'm with, my soul still doesn't feel like it is Home.

I've tried the temporal things, I've searched the shallow waters, but I keep coming back with empty hands. It wouldn't matter if I had a place to call my own, or if I had a husband. It wouldn't matter if I was traveling all around the world. It wouldn't even matter if I had succeeded in fulfilling every single one of my dreams and lived out all of my passions, because if the focus is not Jesus then it is pointless. 

All my life it seems as though I've been trying to prove that this is not true. That maybe if I do more of this, or less of that. Or if I date, or not date. If I invest my time here and not there. If I work more, or maybe less. If I go to school, or take the year off. If I move someplace, or travel the world. All of my "if's" are futile if they are not serving the one and only true purpose... Jesus.

It feels as if my whole life has been pointless, "utterly meaningless... a chasing after the wind..." because it has not been solely for Jesus.

After John writes about our inheritance, belonging and adoption to a God who proved and showed his great love for us, he finished his letter by saying, "Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

Just before that he says, "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

This life is all about, and all for Jesus.

I am weary of living my life otherwise.

Meaninglessly.

I guess I'm just tired of running..

"Not all who wander are lost" but I just wanna go Home.

I guess I'm just getting bored of life being all about me.

This One's For The Guys

--If you don't love Jesus, this will probably bore you.

A lot of people ask me what "my type" of guy is, and I've given it a lot of thought. The conclusion I've come to is that my type of guy isn't a guy at all - he is a man.

I'm beginning to see and understand the standard for what makes a man. It has nothing to do with how many girls he can "get" or has been with. It has nothing to do with his success - whether in his career or in ministry. It doesn't have anything to do with how "qualified" he is to be a husband, a dad, or a leader. None of that matters. A man isn't someone who fits the stereotypical expectations placed upon him. In fact, he is the opposite of those standards.

A man is more than "a good, christian guy." He is more than a boy who buys a girl nice things and does what he's told. I'm seeing now, that a true man is a warrior. He is rooted so deeply in God's heart that he bleeds the same blood, and his heart beats to the same rhythm as God's. He "hooks-up" with Jesus on a daily basis - digging deep into the word, battling in prayer, and pressing into more of who God is.

A true man doesn't lust after women, material gain or success - his eyes are on Jesus, he trusts that his Daddy will provide, and knows that he is a failure outside of God. His clothes are fly, because he wears humility and love everywhere he goes. He seeks not to be seen or be "the best" whatever cuz he knows his place, and its on his knees before God. He doesn't try to win the attention of all, but continually points others to Jesus. He doesn't expect others to care for him, but diligently seeks out ways to serve others.

A real man is a warrior after God's own heart. He is a leader and a servant. He's a protector, not an abuser. He's a defender, not a controlling dominator. He isn't concerned with his own selfish gain, but consistently finds ways to lay himself down. He doesn't live in a way to "prove his manhood", but throws off his pride and embraces the fact that he is the bride of Christ. He owns the truth that he is a son of God. His life is not dedicated to himself, but is completely devoted to God.

A real man is a man of integrity - he's consistent in the way that he lives, no matter who's around or if he's alone. He's set apart - knowing that God has called him to be holy. He's a man of truth - he's good to his word, and never speaks lies. He's a man of diligence - he lives for only one thing, to be closer to the Father, and he will do anything to have that. He sets down his dreams, plans and goals before Jesus and is in complete surrender to Him.

A real man is a man of love. He loves God with all his heart, soul and mind, and he loves others as himself.

A man knows that he is weak and will always fall short before Jesus, which is why he no longer strives to be perfect. He knows that God asks for his devotion and not his perfection. He doesn't beat himself up when he screws up, but knows that he is loved by God, covered by God's grace, and he belongs to God as a son. When he does fall down, he remembers God's truth, repents, and stands up again. He refuses to rely on his own strength, because he depends on God's.

A man lives in gratitude and love for who God is and all He's done. The purpose of his life is to fulfill all that God has for him.

This is what I call a man.

Beautiful Girl, I See You.

Dear beautiful, broken girl,
in you, there is a heart no one dares to see
but I saw it.
Underneath the scarred chest and,
broken ribs, hides in you
a sacred treasure
buried beneath years of
unimaginable pain. Broken girl,
beautiful child,
I'm here to tell you the truth,
that you are truly 
magnificent. Excellent. Wonderful.
Valuable
broken, but beautiful girl,
I wanted to let you know,
that I see you,
I can see you.
I see your heart,
I see the beauty hidden underneath all of your scars.
You are not invisible.
I see the lines of sadness engraved deeply into your big, sunken eyes
I see the thick, darkened circles that surround them,
passed the array of shades you paint on to hide them.
I see you.
I can see passed your "hard" exterior,
your
loud mouth shouting out
your
deepest insecurities
wounds
fears.
I see the heart of a little girl
who's been beaten and bruised and forced
to choke down the lie
that she's not enough.
That she's worthless.
Imperfect.
A screw up.
Beautiful girl,
I'm here to tell you,
that you are altogether lovely,
darling, there is no flaw in you.
You can wear whatever you want.
Spray paint on
whichever face you please to please
other people.
But beautiful girl,
I want you to know that I can still see you.
See you.
And beautiful girl,
I have heard your hard words
as desperate cries
for a Savior.
Beautiful girl,
I know you long to be free
you long to be seen.
I know you.
I know you're longing for rescue,
from this hell of a life
that you've been forced to live.
I see you.
And,
you are beautiful.

"Open up your heart, and let Me in..."

**Dedicated to a beautiful girl I saw on the lightrail, and to all of the other beautiful girls like her.

--Peace and Love.

Thoughts.

"We will fight for You!

We will die for You!

We will go for You!"

As christians, we always wanna "go" somewhere for Jesus. Some sort of injustice in the world stirs our hearts and compels us to want to go and do something about it. Sometimes we really will go, a lot of other times, we won't. What happens, that I see a lot, is that we "go" based off of an emotional pain we feel in our hearts. This isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but when we do go, are we bringing God's love, justice and mercy to the dark and broken of the world, or our own? Are we simply "going" so that we can again sleep peacefully at night after we return, feeling satisfied that we've "done all we can do"? Are we changing the world, changing hearts, by "going"? Are people experiencing God's LOVE by merely being in our presence?

I like the order that the song quoted above puts its last three lines. It really does pinpoint two very key things to do before we "go". We will fight for God, we will die for God, THEN we will go for Him.

We must learn to fight for our Love before we're able to die for Him. We aren't ready to go for God until we're willing to die for Him. Before we simply go, we should first fight for Him in our every day lives. Letting nothing come between us and Him. Before we go, we must die to ourselves daily, starting right now. We need to be willing and ready to literally die for Him. After this, we will be able to go. We will be able to love, with His love. We will be able to change lives. We'll be able to witness God restoring freedom, healing and LIFE through us!

The only way the world will have an encounter with Love Himself is if we're madly in love with Him first - always fighting for Him and ready to die for Him - and we bring His love to everyone else.

Let us be filled with Him until we're overflowing out and onto the world.

--Peace and Love.

Dance In The Rain

"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others." --Nelson Mandela

Ever since the weather started becoming more summer-y. I've had this desire to dance in the rain. In my head, what I was thinking was that a good dance in the rain would be revitalizing, almost healing, in a way.

Well today, it started raining. It wasn't crazy pouring or anything, but definitely enough to dance in. I love the rain, so I went into my sunroom to watch it. As I was watching the raindrops explode onto the back porch, I remembered my desire to dance in the rain. I had to be at work in an hour, so I hesitated. I didn't want to get all wet before leaving to go to work. "Next time," I promised myself, "next good rain."

I live in Colorado, and we simply to do not just "get good rains." When the rain comes, you never know for how long. I've always been the kind of person who hesitates - who second guesses myself. I decided that I needed to go dance right then and there. I had to take advantage of the rain.

So, I walked through the kitchen where my brother was standing, grabbed my hoodie from my room, and walked back to go outside. While walking through the kitchen, I was randomly reminded of something Rob Morris once said, and I said it out loud to my brother. "When the broken ask you to dance, you dance." My brother said, "Yea!" in kind of a joking way, and I asked him to come outside and dance with me. I went outside and starting dancing like a fool in the rain. I was right - it was revitalizing, and it definitely was healing. After goofing off for a bit, I started walking over to the trampoline. It was then that I heard the back door open, and I turned around to see my brother standing outside. As I started to walk back to where he was, he started dancing. I ran over with complete joy and excitement, and the two of us danced together for just a little bit.

That little bit will stay with me for eternity.

Let it rain

Let it rain

--Peace and Love.

Strip Church Training and Jessica Renovating

Well, God, today I head out to Los Angeles for the strip club outreach training. I am so stoked. (:

Let this be a time of refreshment, but also a time where my eyes and heart are opened to the realities and darkness of this world. Let the flame of my passion and heart for women in the industry catch Your wind and blaze out of control...

This is what I prayed the day I was to fly out to L.A. to learn how to reach out to women working in the sex industry. Now, there's something everyone should know - God LOVES to answer our prayers. He may not always answer in the way you thought He would or in a manner that makes sense to you, but He WILL answer, I can promise you that. I think the best thing to do after praying is to open your heart, mind and eyes to the huge surprise God has for your answer. (: He's so cool.

Anyway - WOW! Did God ANSWER this prayer. I went to the training to learn how to speak truths into these women about their value and how they are treasured and loved by God Himself. Little did I know that God used this time to speak those very same truths into my heart. He did this in such an incredible and beautiful way.

The motto of Treasures (the organization leading the training) is Loved. Valued. Purposed. God used my time in L.A. to really engrave these into my own heart. Here's how:

First off, let me just say this - THE OCEAN! I mean wow. I think my soul and the ocean were made for each other. There's something the ocean does in me that I can't explain, it touches my soul in such a powerful way. It's the equivalent, I think, to being in love, or reuniting with an old best friend. This is how it felt when I saw my "old friend" again on the shores of Manhattan Beach. I literally fell in love again at first sight. All the different colors and shapes of the waves as it runs up to shore and crashes into it. The foam that clings to the sand as the water falls back. The sand that envelopes your feet and toes. The endless sky. The sun. The smell of saltwater and fish. The ocean breeze spraying your face, giving a light mist to cool you off. The taste of saltwater you lick off your lips. It's glorious. God definitely refreshed my soul in the few hours of simply sitting on His beautiful beach, taking it all in.

Looking out over the ocean, you see literally no end. It goes on, and on, and on! As I watched the waves collect as they raced towards the shore, crashing against it in such a magnificent way, I was shown such a beautiful picture. It was God - My God. My Beloved, my Friend, running - literally RUNNING towards me with arms wide open - haha! With a huge smile of delight on His beautiful face, and His legs jumping one by one as if He was about to take off for flight. (: He ran towards me, saying, as He ran, "Iiiiiiiiiiiii LOVE YOU!!!!!!" and embraced me whole heartedly into His arms. He picked me up off my feet and swung me around, holding on so tight and not letting go! Haha!

I am LOVED.

The next day, we went to the luncheon to meet the Treasures team and all the women who came from all over the U.S. to be trained. Without going into too much detail - Vera and I left the lunch feeling pretty bummed about the overall spirit of everyone there. Instead of letting our frustrations become anger and then bitterness and division, we simply prayed it out, and WHOA! I have never seen God change the hearts of and entire group like that. It wasn't just everyone else's hearts, it was mine and Vera's as well. Instantly, the whole atmosphere changed to one of unity, love and honesty. It was so freaking awesome.

With that, Vera and I were blown away that we got to see into what God was seeing, and to be able to give it over to Him in prayer, and watch Him move in such a powerful way. It's so awesome that God lets us be a part of His heart like that. 

With that..

For some reason - and this happens to me a lot - people are literally drawn to me. And I don't say that to be cocky. I mean, it's weird. It's almost as if they see something different in me. Many see me as real. I could never understand this until going on this trip. Now, I get it - it's God. People are literally seeing God in me! God has made Himself visible in my life so that others can see Him! And they see His love. They see His beauty. They see His freedom. They see Him! 

I am VALUED.

During the first day of training, all the women were sharing why we were all there. When I shared, I didn't say much. I simply stated that I really have no idea how I got here. Haha, I really don't! I used to, for real, HATE women. I'm not even joking. They're fake, flaky, and SO incredibly annoying. Yet, God's love has compelled my heart to reach out to them. To touch the issues of worthlessness and belief that we have no value as women and that we deserve no love. To touch women's heart with God, with His love. Then I said how beautiful it was to see a group of women who all have such a passion for other women who are struggling with the same feelings of worthlessness in their hearts. Because really - as women, we have ALL struggled with this. No one woman is exempt. After this, I sat down, and Harmony says, "We've got a little preacher girl in here."

..Now, that really isn't that big of a deal. Except for the fact that I am by NO means what I consider a "preacher" or "speaker". Yet time and time again this word is spoken over me by people. The most random people will tell me things like, "God has such amazing plans for your life." Or, people will treat me as a leader. It's as if everyone is seeing this thing in me that, honestly, I've never before seen in myself. But during this trip, God really did solidify the fact that He has literally chosen and called me to this ministry. I'm just a dumb christian girl who grew up home schooled and in the church - who am I to reach out to the most broken of the broken women? But whatever God calls us to, He will equip us for. That is the number one thing I'm taking away from all this.

All I gotta do is trust God and what He's doing, and let go. This is all about Him. It's all for Him and His glory. It's His love being poured out for these women through me. It's powerful. 

And now, as Harmony said, "I'm just running to keep up with what He's doing."

He has enabled my heart to understand so powerfully the meaning of His words, "My power is perfected in weakness."

I am PURPOSED.

I love you

more than life...

--Peace and Love.

Loneliness.

It's why we spend our entire lives searching. Seeking, something. Perhaps someone. It's why we make a lot of the decisions we do. It's why many of us are willing to compromise ourselves, our dreams, our hopes.

It's walking everywhere in a dark, thick, fog. You can see shapes and hear voices, but everything remains a blur. It's feeling the bitter, cold sting of winter's fallen temperatures. It's seeing beauty, and no longer being able to enjoy it. It's lowered heads and sunken hearts, feet dragging and arms hanging. It's wanting to give up, throw the towel in, because being marked as a failure is better than the hopelessness loneliness leaves in your heart.

It's believing loneliness is our only friend, only to find that it has left our hearts empty.

It is as if we each have a hole in our hearts that belong to someone specific. We desperately shove things down in a vain attempt to fill this hole, but there's only one who can.

True Love fills this hole.

--Peace and Love.

Love And Be Loved.

"Everybody, everybody wants to love. Everybody, everybody wants to be loved..." --Ingrid Michaelson

Yet, every day I see so many settle for things less than real love.

True love is actually quite terrifying. It is no surprise why most of us settle. The desire remains in us, however, to experience what it's like to love someone with everything we are. To be loved by someone with everything they are.

There is this hole in us that cannot be filled with anything but true love.

For all who have searched for love and came back empty. All who have settled and ended up broken or lost. I'm writing this for you, and I'm writing it for Love.

--Peace and Love.

Beautifully Blown Away..

"I am who I am."
This is the message that wants to resonate within my heart.

My story is mine. My experiences are mine. Everything I've been through, everyone I've met has played a role in shaping who I am right now. My thoughts, my desires, my dreams - they're all mine. My fears are legitimate. My hurts are real. My emotions are valid.

I am who I am!

But for some reason, I've been caught up in the fear, in the lie that who I am will not be accepted. That who I am is not good enough. That who I am isn't worth sharing with the world. But this fear, this lie, is straight up irrational. In fact, I could almost go as far as to say that it's nonexistent. Because time and time again, as I share a small piece of myself with another, it's not rejection I feel, but acceptance. Rarely am I disregarded, yet multiple times I've been embraced for who I am.

Yet the doubt in me wonders if this is so because these people have not yet seen or met "the real me", but only parts of me. If I allowed my heart to live freely, would I still be embraced? Would I still be accepted? Or will I be disposed of, just like my greatest fear tells me?

So there's always this battle between my fear and I. I wanna be free, yet I'm afraid to be. For what will happen when I am free still remains a mystery. I'm like a bird who sits in a cage with the door wide open. I am free, yet I'm afraid to embrace my freedom for fear of the unknown.

And then I ask myself, what is it exactly, that I'm afraid of? For wouldn't it be better to be rejected for who you are rather than who you show to others? Isn't it better to have others reject the real you, as opposed to being rejected and also being a slave to the thought that maybe if that person knew the real you, they wouldn't have rejected you in the first place? Wouldn't it be better to know that if rejected, you know exactly why, and that reason is out of your control?

So why am I so scared?

I wanna fly. I have the wings to do so, I just have to take the leap and try.

-------

I am madly in love with Jesus Christ. He's the reason why I live, the only reason why I do anything - and that's the truth!

I am an artist at heart, an artist in mind. I think abstractly, creatively, uniquely.

I am extremely intrapersonal - I'm always open to areas of growth or change within myself.

I love people. And even though I may not always agree with their philosophy or view on life, I still love to hear their stories. Everyone has a story, it's what makes us who we are. It's what shapes how we see things, see others, see the world.

I have a lust  for LIFE. For true and real life. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have that.

Because of this, I don't get involved in the "party scene".  I don't "hook up" with guys or anything of the such. I've been there, and I don't believe real life is found in them.

I believe in the beauty of purity. I believe that it is a powerful instrument for true life and and real love. I can't wait to meet and be with my husband, and I believe our story will be one of beauty and of power. I believe that our story will touch the lives of many, and give people an enormous amount of hope.

I have a huge heart for women. My desire is for them to fully know the valuable treasures that they are. The best way to show them this is by living in a way that proves I believe I am a valuable treasure. My hope is that this gives them hope. Hope in believing that the same is true for them.

I believe in the power, healing, beauty, discovery, adventure and challenge of love. I believe true love stretches us in ways we never thought possible. I believe that it will test our fears, and then conquer them. I believe it is the most hardcore thing to ever participate in. I believe that it's what all of us long for at our core.

I believe that God is True and Real Love - and I believe that He wants to give it all to us.


I am who I am, take it or leave it.

--Peace and Love.

Mia

Once I met a stranger

who existed only in a daydream

her picture was so crystal clear

I thought I was right there with her.

Her name was Bitter

and she ate that nasty root

every morning for breakfast

she swallowed its thorns of harsh reality.

Her name was Bitter

like the taste of her tears

mixed with the dirt on her face

which lays

on a filthy mattress filled with

equally as repulsing memories

of men like her daddy

using her

for their own pleasure.

I closed my eyes to see her clearer.

She lies there in that bed

crying out for a rescuer

to come and save her.

Her name is Dear One

the one whose deep brown eyes

hold a light that's been long forbidden by lies

whose lines tell a story far more tragic than mine

these eyes of a dear girl

hold a hope, far greater, far more powerful

than any miraculous sign.

Her name is Dear One

just like those courageous eyes that try

to hold onto the small shred of belief

that one of these men that come to see her

ONE of these men

instead of using and abusing her

will come for her like a real daddy would

and rescue her.

God!

She's only four years old!!

"Still," He assures me, "she's Mine."

But I cannot hold inside

this anger and fire I feel burning in me

as this little girl waits for a chance

to finally be free.

God..

She's only four years old..

"Yet still," He assures me, "she's Mine."

Her name is Mine

and her Daddy sees her

and He has a plan to destroy every lie

that told her she belongs to no one

that her breaths are each a waste of time

that she will not be rescued

that her hope is a bad joke with no punch line
and that her desires will not be satisfied.

I asked God,

"What is her name?"

For what sort of name could ever match

the precious beauty of the face

I saw on this fearless child

who had been forced to work as a slave?

What sort of name

could ever deserve to be placed

on the soul of this little girl

this priceless jewel

who had been so lied to

that she's now forced to sell her beauty for vain?

God, what is her name?

"She is My princess," He told me so bluntly

"and every night I've heard her cries

and every day I watch as the lies

break one more piece of her precious heart

which was created straight from Mine."

Her name is Mine

and while injustice has been done to her

her Father sees, and He is coming for her

He sees His daughter

and He's coming to rescue her

and will forever be

her loving Father.

--Peace and Love.