I've Grown Weary of Running..

I'm moving back home today. I am so excited, but also a little sad. I feel like I've learned so much, yet so little at the same time.

Ultimately what I've learned is that Jesus is God, and he means everything to me. I wanna be even closer to him..

Another thing I've learned is that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with myself. I just wanna go Home. Or, at least feel like I am Home. But it doesn't matter where I am, or who I'm with, my soul still doesn't feel like it is Home.

I've tried the temporal things, I've searched the shallow waters, but I keep coming back with empty hands. It wouldn't matter if I had a place to call my own, or if I had a husband. It wouldn't matter if I was traveling all around the world. It wouldn't even matter if I had succeeded in fulfilling every single one of my dreams and lived out all of my passions, because if the focus is not Jesus then it is pointless. 

All my life it seems as though I've been trying to prove that this is not true. That maybe if I do more of this, or less of that. Or if I date, or not date. If I invest my time here and not there. If I work more, or maybe less. If I go to school, or take the year off. If I move someplace, or travel the world. All of my "if's" are futile if they are not serving the one and only true purpose... Jesus.

It feels as if my whole life has been pointless, "utterly meaningless... a chasing after the wind..." because it has not been solely for Jesus.

After John writes about our inheritance, belonging and adoption to a God who proved and showed his great love for us, he finished his letter by saying, "Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

Just before that he says, "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

This life is all about, and all for Jesus.

I am weary of living my life otherwise.

Meaninglessly.

I guess I'm just tired of running..

"Not all who wander are lost" but I just wanna go Home.

I guess I'm just getting bored of life being all about me.